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BREAKUP.COM

by Barbara J. McKee

August 13, 2002 

Recently, an internet friend was pouring out her heartbreak to me about her “breakup” with an internet boyfriend. Bizarre as that sounds, many people are having internet relationships these days, and one can actually breakup with a lover before the two have even met.

This was the case with my internet friend. She’s disabled with a below knee amputation, more commonly known as “BKA”. She’s fifteen months post-op--just long enough to get the hang of her new lower leg but not enough to be comfortable to been seen without it. Since her surgery--the result of head-on collision with a drunk driver--she hasn’t allowed any full-length photographs of her without her prosthesis.

She has learned to walk with a very slight limp and was assured by her physical therapist that she would continue to improve to the point of having no limp at all. She has not fully accepted her “new self”--especially when she tries on new bathing suits for the summer.

Her relationship began as most internet relationships do--in a chatroom. One evening she “met” a nice young man, who claimed to be her age and lived just a state away. They seemed to have a lot in common, Over the next few weeks they began exchanging emails and instant messages nearly everyday.

She would only send him pictures from before her amputation or from the waist up. She believed  they were falling in love. He asked for her phone number. They began chatting on the phone once a week. Things were progressing nicely.

During their courtship, she never mentioned her disability. But when they discussed meeting in person, she felt she should make him aware--to be sure she wouldn’t waste four hours of driving to the state line to be greeted with a stunned look, if their physical chemistry didn’t work out.

She decided to tell him about her accident and subsequent amputation in a chat room. She felt that telling him over the phone would be too awkward.

The beauty of the internet is you don’t have to hear the other person’s voice, and she didn’t know if she wanted to hear that first gasp that always came once she told people the truth.

What she didn’t expect was his honesty in how he felt about disabled people. He suddenly didn’t want the responsibility of loving a “crip”. She expected feelings of surprise, even a bit of rejection at first. But his explanation that he couldn’t emotionally handle her disability stunned her.

After all, she was independent. She worked, drove her own car, had her own apartment--the works. The only thing that made her different from any other woman was her amputation. She was devastated.

I wasn’t much help to her, because I thought he was right to tell her exactly how he felt. Not many people in this world are honest about their limitations as human beings.

She was outraged that he didn’t want to work at their relationship, overcoming his feelings about the disabled. But, more importantly, she was crushed that he didn’t have enough feelings for her to accept what she was.

I tried to explain to her that he wasn’t rejecting her personally, he was refusing to grow as a person. I told her that it was better that he came clean in his bigotry, and it wasn’t her fault if he didn’t want to change.

She felt that his use of the word “responsibility” was especially offensive, considering she was very independent and didn’t need him to do anything to physically help her live her life.

No matter how cruel this young man sounds, he used the appropriate word to describe his feelings about disability relationships—“responsibility”. There is a lot of responsibility in a “dis/ab” relationship (between a disabled person and an able-bodied person). He's not a jerk, as she called him, just too insecure to handle it. So he was honest.

Does that make him a bad person? No. Just a person who is realistic about his ability to cope. Yes, she can take care of herself--right now. But there will be a time when she will need to depend on him physically, emotionally, and mentally, and he clearly doesn't want that responsibility.

Accepting responsibility in any relationship is hard for many people, whether it be an “ab/ab”, “dis/dis”, or “dis/ab”relationship. That's being realistic.

Yes, it hurts to find out that the person you're attracted to doesn't want to deal with all the "stuff" that they perceive as a problem. But I think it is worse when you stay in a relationship that creates guilt every time you need their help, such as when you get sick or when you want to just vent about the crap that comes from being disabled.

Finding someone who will accept such responsibilities is rare. I was married for 20 years to a man that hated the responsibility of being a true partner. I ignored the warning signs when we were dating. He would get upset when I became ill and couldn’t do the housework or cooking. He would leave things out of reach and become perturbed when I asked for help. Finally, he would go out of his way to detail how I couldn’t exist without his help. This all came from his inability to accept me, and my inability to realize that.

When I met my current husband, I made sure we talked about our limitations and abilities. He felt no qualms about being my partner, in sickness and in health. He never makes me feel bad about my needing him to help me when I do get sick, have a bowel/bladder accident or any other situation that is potentially embarrassing.

I'm the one that gets embarrassed. He just shrugs his shoulders, tells me how much he loves me and thinks it’s silly that I worry about being a burden to him.

An honest and loving relationship is give-and-take from both parties. If the one you love doesn't understand and fully accept who and what you are, then you're with the wrong person.

Period.

TODAY'S BYLINE:
McKee, who gets around in a wheelchair, is an Albuquerque writer, poet, performer and producer. She writes a column that runs in Insight & Opinion the third Thursday of every month.